CHAPTERS:

Hi, my name is Jayra and this is my life.

Choice 1 : I was 15 when I lost her,

Choice 2 : I was 16 when I was diagnosed,

Choice 3 : I was 18 when I became “free,”

Choice 4 : I was 20 when I read it,

Choice 5 : I was 22 when I fell in love,

Choice 6 : I was 24 when I lost him,

Her.

She was all I have, my mother. Her name is Ana. Ana was beautiful. She did everything to make me feel safe and healthy despite her being alone. My father died because of an accident. I didn’t get to meet nor see him because I was not born yet when it happened. I always see my mother’s face all happy and bright, but I know when she’s not facing me, that smile fades away. She is the best thing the world could offer me. I love her and I promise I’ll do everything to fill the void in her. One day, on my birthday, I was told to not open the box that was hidden under her bed, but curiosity got the best of me, I opened it because I thought it was a gift for me. The excitement that I was feeling all day diminishes because of what I saw. As we were walking through the forest to go to our usual place where we hangout, my mind can’t stop thinking about the gun she was hiding. I don’t know if it’s for our safety or for something else. I walked inside our small cabin to eat something while my mother prepares the fire. Today, I had fun and I think it was the best day of my life. My mother gifted me a small yet priceless gift. It was the necklace that my father gave her when she turned fifteen, yes, they were already together at that age. She gave it to me because I am fifteen now. She told all sorts of stories about their journey; we laughed and cried all day. It was the best. Probably one of the best of the best birthdays I had. She tucked me to bed and kissed my forehead, and said “I love you, always.” I thought I heard her cry, but anyways today was everything. I woke up because of the wind and went inside my mother’s room, but she was nowhere. I went outside and then I heard a voice. I followed where the sound was coming from and then my heart died. It was my mother laying down, swimming in her own pool of blood. I couldn’t move. Frozen. I don’t know what to do. I can’t speak nor yell. I can’t cry. That day was the worst. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : I was 16 when I was diagnosed,

Diagnosed.

After a year, everything came back to normal except me. I always feel like I was floating and yet, I feel relieved because I’d rather float than fall, if I fall no one will catch me, not even myself. I can’t catch myself. I need help. Then someone helped me. A different kind of help. A help that does not involve catching because this help is from a child protection. I don’t need it, but I am a minor and I don’t have any choice. After a few months of living, I noticed that I am becoming worst, and people noticed that too. I was sent to a doctor, not that doctor who checks up on your health but a psychiatrist. Then I found out I was suffering from a disorder, “PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” the doctor said. After answering, I mean avoiding a lot of questions, I became tired, I just want to go home. I want her. I need her. I miss her. I hate her. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : I was 18 when I became “free,”

Free.

I am legal now, I smiled as I said goodbye to the shelter, the people, and my bed. As I was walking, I couldn’t help but cry. Once I stepped my foot outside of the shelter. Everything pushes me. I feel like a piece of paper who is getting blown by everything that had happened. Everything feels overwhelming. I thought I was not floating anymore. I thought I learned how to catch myself. I thought. After that mental breakdown, I feel fine. I decided to preoccupy my mind with something else. I have to find a job. I can’t depend on someone else. I’m all alone. Now that I am 18, I can sustain myself. I applied to different kinds of job, and it was hard since I didn’t finish school. After a tiring long day of trying, I think it’s time to rest and be patient. I went to a friend’s place to stay in for a while until I can find a job and afford a place to stay in. As I fall asleep, I heard something, so I stand up and then everything faded… I woke up on the floor, that was weird, I don’t remember sleeping on the floor. I guess I was too tired yesterday. I’m always tired. I miss her. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : I was 20 when I read it,

Read.

One day, when I got home from work, I received a cryptic letter from someone. But there was something written on it, it’s not a name, there was initials written on it. I guess it was from the sender. The initials were J.R. Weird. I don’t know anyone with that kind of initials. It’s been two years since I started working, I met a lot of people and made a few friends. Everything happened fast. Two years ago, I was kind of homeless. I live on and off with my one friend who is not my friend anymore. “Jayra” my name was written on the letter. Other than the initials of the anonymous sender, there was something written on it. “Dear Jayra, I hope you caught yourself.” I don’t know what that means. Since I got intrigued by this letter, I decided to respond to it. So, I picked up a pen then wrote something on a piece of paper saying, “Dear J.R., I don’t know what you mean by that but if you know me. Well, I guess you do know since you know my address which is creepy. But anyways, I do hope that I caught myself.” After that response, it became continuously. Me and that anonymous sender was sending letters to each other talking about different stuffs in our lives. At first, I find it terrifying because I don’t know who J.R. is but that person knows me. And then I said to myself, that at least I have someone who I can talk to, someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings, and someone who talks to me. Yes, I did make some few friends, but those people actually don’t see me as a friend. I only made them my friends to survive this job. To make me feel at least I have something going on in my life. But this time, I can finally say that I have something going on in my life. Whoever you are J.R., I am starting like you, as much as I like her. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : I was 22 when I fell in love,

Love.

I woke up on floor. As usual. Yes, I’ve been waking up on floor almost everyday since it happened. Weird, but I think I am just clumsy. Today is a great day, I told J.R. that I like him. And yes, J.R. is a he because he told me. That time I found out he’s a boy, I was like a kid who got a big candy because I was starting to like this person even though I don’t know if J.R. are initials of a girl or boy. Then I found out he’s a boy. I was so happy. And I’ve never been this happy. I missed it. I missed me. Our relationship became even better because we’ve been sending letter to each other almost every day. I actually don’t mind if our relationship is like this because it is already enough for me. I’m scared that if I want something more, it’ll go away. So, I am doing my best to live in this moment, to make the most out of it. One day, he sent me a letter with an address, and it looks like we’re about to meet. I was smiling until I saw the address, an address that is so familiar, I don’t even need google maps. It was the place where my mother and I used to hangout a lot. Yes, that place. Where she killed herself. Where I watched her swimming in her own pool of blood. I don’t know what to do, should I go there? I badly want to meet him but I don’t want to meet my young self. After a few days of overthinking and contemplating, I decided to go. When I got there, no one was there…then everything faded. I woke up… I only remember the good memories that I instilled in me. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : Him.

Him.

I woke up on a bed, this time it was a different bed. Where am I? “Don’t worry Jayra, you’re ok” a voice said. I couldn’t open my eyes, it was so bright. I’m crying now because my head hurts. I want to hurt myself. What? You can’t think like that! Everything faded. I woke up on a bed, again. I hear voices, then everything faded. I woke up and then something hit me, no, something or someone punched me. Someone held me to stop. I was punching myself. Why am I hurting myself? What is happening to me? Then everything faded. I woke up but this time, it felt normal, only I found out I was in a hospital for weeks because of my mental condition. When I told the doctor that I am feeling ok now, she decided to discharge me. I lied; I still feel like I’m floating. But then again, I’ve been floating ever since. I went back home when I saw a letter. The first thing I saw in that letter was a phone number. I quickly dialed it on my phone. I heard a ring. That’s weird. The ringing sound is in my room. It’s coming from my closet. I opened my closet and then find where the sound is. It’s coming from inside a box. I sighed. I got scared, I thought someone broke inside my place. I opened the box then I saw something I couldn’t believe, I started panicking, I was losing air, I have to dial the hospital. Then everything faded. “Are you feeling better now?” my doctor said. I have been staying in this hospital for a few weeks now since I opened the box. The doctor explained to me everything, why I kept waking up on floor and why everything fades. I have DID or dissociative identity disorder, if you don’t know what that is, it’s also known as split personality disorder, it is where a person has two or more distinct personalities. It was caused by my trauma. Few weeks earlier... I opened the box then saw all the letters, all the letters from him and me. Then, the next thing I saw was a phrase saying “He is not real, Jayra wake up! J.R. IS NOT REAL. J.R. IS YOU. Wake up! Then everything fades… Few weeks later… I realized that nothing really was going on in my life, everything was all me, J.R. is me. I was the only one who made myself truly happy. Everything was me. I wish I could go back.

Choice 1 : Go back

Choice 2 : The End.

The End.

Thank you for reading this story that I made - Franzhea Pearl A. Razos.

Choice 1 : Chapters